Sunday, January 27, 2008

Are you happy Oprah, dammit, I've finally quit smoking

signed your pledge and boy am I bitchy. Well not really, well yes really. When I was frustrated tonight about getting our home computers to go wireless I did quite a bit of stomping and then ate a bag of bridge mixture chocolate candies (I don't even like chocolate) and half a bag of diet (Ha) cheesies. That was after a dinner of spiral french fries, no protein there at all. I did throw in a couple of grapes.

Its been 5 days 9 hrs 19 minutes and 26 seconds at this point that I've been smoke free. A handy dandy little gadget on my computer (which is still NOT wireless) tells me this constantly counting out the time and telling me how much of my life I've gained. Crap, how much have I lost in yelling at the computer, the hubby, the dogs, the car, the car in front of me, etc etc etc.

It doesn't seem to be any easier day by day. It seems harder and my "reptile brain" as Dr Oz calls it is constantly giving me more and more excuses, reasons, why I should just have one, or a puff, or a sniff, couldn't hurt. NO NO NO. They want to make me go back smoking I say NO NO NO

I'm weak, how long can I last...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I just heard from the first man who broke my heart

it was through that An email popped up on my computer saying someone had left a message for me. I was quite surprised to see who it was from. My high school sweetheart, the boy to whom I gave my virginity (really I threw it at him)lets call him Peter (thats his name), had just tried out the site for amusement and had seen my name listed so, wow, why not send me a message and see what I was doing after all these years. How sweet. Really. I mean, it would be petty wouldn't it, to be mad after all these years, about our big break-up. Really. Thirty years, c'mon now lady. Honestly, I had thought of him off and on over the years, wondered what had happened to him, but not in any big way. I lived my life, married, divorced, fell in love and have been living common-law with a wonderful man for several years now. Hadn't I suspected, listing myself there that other people than female classmates might try to catch up with me?

For some reason though, this email really had struck some nerve somewhere and really bothered me. We exchanged a few uber friendly emails, caught up on each others lives, but I was still really bothered. After all, he was the first man to have really broken my heart. He was the man that all the other men in my life were profiled against, measured against, and whom I found myself failing again, against. All of this occurred to me after this first email. My whole loss of self worth seemed to have exploded with this man's rejection of me 30 years before. I know I shouldn't put all the blame on him, we were just two little f***'d up kids back then but I prefer to (sad grin).

So what is it I want? What will make me feel less bothered with this communication from my long lost past? I think I'd like an apology. Is that ridiculous? He doesn't have to mean it, crap, he doesn't even have to understand what exactly its for, but I think it would ease 30 years of something I didn't even realize still hurt. Seems that even though I'm 49 5/4 all of a sudden there's an angry teenager running around inside me again (God I hope this doesn't mean acne). Should I ask him? Burning question of the day!!!