Hot Yoga

I've been doing hot (or Bikram) yoga on and off since December 07. It's one of the hardest workouts I think I've ever done. It was very hard in December when I first started it. Ninety minutes in a room heated to 105 degrees in the least amount of clothing you can wear because of the heat and humidity and in front of an amazing amount of mirrors. Arrrghhh. So I lasted a month but it affected me curiously and I (what they told me later) "hit a wall" so I stopped for awhile and since then due to lack of exercise and quitting smoking I've put on 20 pounds. So when I decided I was going to go back I had to face the humiliation of buying BIGGER YOGA CLOTHES. So now I was going back to the same heat and humidity and mirrors but in bigger exercise clothing.

Well, it seems to be having the same curious effect on me as it had the last time. It's a wonderful workout, you sweat like a pig and think you're going to die but you get through it. Even with the mirrors which are a terrible torture. But I become completely ravenous at the end of the workout and when I get home I eat everything in the house. I've tried starting out eating all the fruit in the house, but then I'm still hungry and I go on to the cheese, then the bread, then the cookies, etc etc etc. Now I've almost finished a month of this second course of hot yoga and I've gained another 6 lbs. But I'm much more limber now and can reach cookies hidden away on the tallest shelves or bend down and get to the chips in the back of the lowest cupboards. Is this a good thing? I'm thinking no.

Net Neutrality Canada

Apology Accepted 30 Years Later

Well, further to my blog about the first man to break my heart. We kept on corresponding by email and I kept on feeling vaguely out of sorts. Then one night my MSN Messenger beeped at me that he wanted to add me on so we could CHAT!! Holy crap batman! I said yes and we chatted live for the first time. I decided what the hell lets just go for it right now and said to him "Aren't you surprised that I would even talk to you after all these years?" "Why wouldn't you be talking to me?" he asked. Sheesh. "BECAUSE YOU DUMPED ME YOU ASS" I said calmly.

"Oh.." he said, the messenger screen remained blank a few moments, obviously he was thinking of what to do with the realization that a crazy woman was still mad after all these years. "I'm sorry" finally came back on the screen. Now it was my turn to remain silent a few moments. "I forgive you" I typed back, and surprisingly, I meant it. "About time" he said. The End.

Are you happy Oprah, dammit, I've finally quit smoking

signed your pledge and boy am I bitchy. Well not really, well yes really. When I was frustrated tonight about getting our home computers to go wireless I did quite a bit of stomping and then ate a bag of bridge mixture chocolate candies (I don't even like chocolate) and half a bag of diet (Ha) cheesies. That was after a dinner of spiral french fries, no protein there at all. I did throw in a couple of grapes.

Its been 5 days 9 hrs 19 minutes and 26 seconds at this point that I've been smoke free. A handy dandy little gadget on my computer (which is still NOT wireless) tells me this constantly counting out the time and telling me how much of my life I've gained. Crap, how much have I lost in yelling at the computer, the hubby, the dogs, the car, the car in front of me, etc etc etc.

It doesn't seem to be any easier day by day. It seems harder and my "reptile brain" as Dr Oz calls it is constantly giving me more and more excuses, reasons, why I should just have one, or a puff, or a sniff, couldn't hurt. NO NO NO. They want to make me go back smoking I say NO NO NO

I'm weak, how long can I last...

I just heard from the first man who broke my heart

it was through that classmates.com. An email popped up on my computer saying someone had left a message for me. I was quite surprised to see who it was from. My high school sweetheart, the boy to whom I gave my virginity (really I threw it at him)lets call him Peter (thats his name), had just tried out the site for amusement and had seen my name listed so, wow, why not send me a message and see what I was doing after all these years. How sweet. Really. I mean, it would be petty wouldn't it, to be mad after all these years, about our big break-up. Really. Thirty years, c'mon now lady. Honestly, I had thought of him off and on over the years, wondered what had happened to him, but not in any big way. I lived my life, married, divorced, fell in love and have been living common-law with a wonderful man for several years now. Hadn't I suspected, listing myself there that other people than female classmates might try to catch up with me?

For some reason though, this email really had struck some nerve somewhere and really bothered me. We exchanged a few uber friendly emails, caught up on each others lives, but I was still really bothered. After all, he was the first man to have really broken my heart. He was the man that all the other men in my life were profiled against, measured against, and whom I found myself failing again, against. All of this occurred to me after this first email. My whole loss of self worth seemed to have exploded with this man's rejection of me 30 years before. I know I shouldn't put all the blame on him, we were just two little f***'d up kids back then but I prefer to (sad grin).

So what is it I want? What will make me feel less bothered with this communication from my long lost past? I think I'd like an apology. Is that ridiculous? He doesn't have to mean it, crap, he doesn't even have to understand what exactly its for, but I think it would ease 30 years of something I didn't even realize still hurt. Seems that even though I'm 49 5/4 all of a sudden there's an angry teenager running around inside me again (God I hope this doesn't mean acne). Should I ask him? Burning question of the day!!!

The Sound of Pee is Like Pavlov's Bell

For years now I've avoided saying the word "walk" in my house. As in "lets go for a ..." or "its time for a ..." because the dogs would invariably go crazy. Or so I thought. I'd say to whoever, "lets get ready for a W" instead. So that the animals wouldn't know yet what we were doing and we'd have time to get the leashes, poop bags, cookies etc and not have three large animals running around like crazy because they'd know it was walk time. And whenever someone would ask why we said W and not walk, I'd patiently explain to them the reasons.

But one day someone pointed out to me that I'd said the word walk at least three times in conversation about something else and that none of the dogs had reacted at all. So I tried it, "walk" I said. Nothing. "Lets go for a ..." using that tone of voice we all use. Nothing. "Walkies!!!" Nothing. I tried "Ready!!??" Still no reaction. This was so strange. My older dogs that I'd had in the past had all known what the word Walk had meant. I know this, its why I now never said the word Walk. Thats when I clued in that this was the reason these new dogs (ages 5, 4 and 1 1/2) didn't react to the word, they'd never HEARD it before. I also knew though that they did get very excited when it was walk time, so what was it that prompted this? It wasn't the word Walk, that was for sure. Now that I was paying attention I quickly found out.

That evening when walk time came around I was busy getting ready for our walk but before I did anything else I went down the hall and into the bathroom and when I started to, ahem, go... all heck broke out. Excited dogs ran everywhere. This was the cue. Oh my gosh!!! The sound of pee, it's like Pavlov's Bell.

Walk with your dog!!

I have one of those Ipod/NIKE sport attachments so I do all these walk/run challenges. Anyone out there who likes that kind of thing can join in one of my challenges through my blog page. It's a new thing I didn't know about. Cool. By the way, I've never even come close to winning one of these, LOL. But we do (my 3 dogs and I) go the distance!!!

Re-reading the Past - Part 2

Hmm. Really got me delving into all this old poetry I've found of mine. So I'm going to include some more. Two more pieces that caught my eye. The first one was published in 1979 and did cause some comment as to whether "one night stands" were a good thing or not for women, emotionally.

The second was a lullaby, albeit a sad one for my best friend Joy, a single mom's, new born daughter Michelle. Poor thing did not end up doing well in life, I wish we could see the future so as parents we'd know exactly when to step in, but all we can do is be there when they fall.

Untitled - written and published in 1979

he lies beside me
quietly sleeping
an arm out flung
slightly tousled hair
damp from pleasant exertions

I lie beside him
restless, wide awake
gazing intently at his face
so sweet in sleep

who is this man
and who this woman
together for a night
and who will they be
together, apart?
at dawns first early light

restless stirrings deep inside me
longing, doubts and fears
quietly so as not to wake him
I cry silent salty tears

for love, for hope, for innocence lost
for past mistakes and uncertain days ahead
for wanting not just one night
but a whole lifetime instead


Song for Michelle - written in 1980

child of the future
I'm a child of the past
still in your mothers arms
and yet you might ask

what will the future bring
Lord, wish I knew
If I could comfort me
then I might comfort you

dreams of beginnings
and scenes from the end
all your tomorrows
are yesterdays best friend

young schemer, of dreams untold
tell me what you see
for I am much to old
there's no more dreams for me

if wisdom and youth could blend
your fears I would deny
but life passes over us
you reach, sometimes you fly

so reach child, life up your arms
and hold on till its done
and if you stumble, so did we all
before we learned to run

child of the future
I'm a child of the past
still in your mothers arms
and yet you might ask

what will the future bring
Lord, wish I knew
If I could comfort me
then I might comfort you

If I could comfort me
then I might comfort you

Re-reading the Past

Came across poetry I'd written a gazillion years ago and kept. It was funny reading all of those poems from up to 30 years ago. Boy are teenagers moody LOL. There was one though that I think was a little futuristic reading it now, so I thought I'd share it, I wrote it in 1981.


1.
When I was just a tiny lad
I'd sit upon my fathers knee
and beg him tell me stories made of
fairy tales and history

I noticed even then it seemed
that as he spoke he also dreamed
with eyes that shon with unshed tears
as he took us back through long gone years

the tales he spun of long ago
of snow white doves and buffalo
of seals that swam in icy waters
and of the sons and of the daughters

and of the men who tamed the land
and I thought it sounded oh so grand
because I didn't understand the price we had to pay
my father knew I'd understand someday

The young man that I came to be
saw not the land and not the sea
nor the quiet darkening of the sky
the absence of night sounds by and by

but as I walked the beach one day
I heard an unfamiliar sound
and turning to look on an oil bound sea
saw a creature almost familiar to me

as memory recalled the name
I felt a fear arise within
and it struck me then that what we'd gained
couldn't ease the emptiness of what remained

I stood and watched the struggling bird
and I couldn't lift a hand
for as I watched his fight for life
I finally saw the land

and I saw the future I'd thought so bright
reflected in a man made light
and heard the warning from my fathers knee
that for to many years I failed to see

suddenly with a triumphant cry, the struggling bird pulled free
and crying still I understood, what this sight was meant to be
but the pain was to great and I turned away
who could I tell and what could I say

so I turned my back and I quickly walked away

as the last bird cried
spread his wings and took to the sky
and the wind mourned his passing
and hushed, with a sigh
that sounded like a word
and it was "why"

2.
the years sped by to soon it seemed
I was trapped inside my own lost dreams
the sight I saw so long ago
the light I'd seen but then let go

the oily slick on the oceans brow
that small trapped bird escaped somehow
to heights so long unseen by man
up through the smog that covered the land

and now I have my own small lad
who asks me "daddy please,
tell me of when birds covered the skies
and fish filled all the seas"

and now my own eyes cloud with tears
as I dream my way back through the years
and pray that my own son will do right
and not turn away but stand and fight

and not close his eyes when he sees the light
I saw the light and I turned away
and the vision I saw still returns today
as I saw the last bird lift, and fly away

and the last bird cried
spread his wings and took to the sky
and the wind mourned his passing
and hushed, with a sigh
that sounded like a word
and it was "why"

My 7 Random Things

I noticed on another blog that some are writing 7 random things about themselves so I thought I may as well join in on the game. Hmm. 7 random things, lets see.

1. I always seem to have 3 dogs. My last three were Tasha, Sam and Toby. They all lived to the lovely old ages of 13, 14 and 13 respectively, they were all part black lab. Now I have Annie, Boy and Thor, who are 5, 4 and 2. Curiously none of them are lab's. Annie is a bouvier/irish wolfhound, Boy is a bouvier and little Thor is a shepherd/akita/chow.

2. I don't really collect anything (besides dogs in 3's). I've tried collecting things but it just doesn't seem to be in my nature. I don't really have a hankering for multiples of anything in particular, except maybe diamonds which I cannot afford myself and can't seem to find anyone who will just buy them for me because I like them.

3. I got my very own first brand new car when I was 49 5/4. Its a 2007 Chevy HHR. I keep getting it mixed up with Chrysler which drives my honey crazy. Brand names aren't very important to me, just the fact that its NEW.

4. I will never really turn 50, I will always stay 49 5/4.

5. I used to dye my hair all the time. For years really, and after awhile I wasn't even sure what my natural color was anymore. Turns out it's a lovely light brown with natural blond highlights and some lovely silver streaks. Stopped dyeing it when I cut it short two years ago just to see what color it actually is and I really liked it.

6. I get lost all the time. So much in fact that for my birthday, honey bought me a GPS for my car. It doesn't really bother me (getting lost), I'm used to it and do find some pretty interesting new places, but apparently he worries.

7. I like to try something new every once in awhile. Something that scares me so that I can overcome a fear.

The Drug Guy

Units 2 and 5 in our little 5 unit rowhouse across the street are in full 24/7 swing with selling drugs again and the police have made at least two big arrests there (one for each unit) in the last week. The last one had at least six police cars and they had to taser the guy 3 times he was so high on crack. I, myself am back to yelling and swearing at those who dare to park by our property line to go in and buy drugs over there. Its just like the old days. Geez, we shut down three crackhouses on this street in the last two years and for six whole months it was lovely and quiet.

Today though I think I might have gone at bit to far, as I ususally do. The local big drug dealer (in his own mind) was doing business at one of the units and the landlord showed up so I told him that the guy was in there dealing and the landlord went in and kicked him out. Well big drug guy saw me watch him go in so of course he knew who told the landlord he was there and as he was walking off up the street he stopped, turned around and looked back at my house, up at my window (where of course I was standing, looking) and he nodded up at me. Shiver. Oh well, Now I guess the death threats start again. Been there, done that. Although with this new crew being more physical and less afraid (maybe they're on some sort of new drugs) I think I'll start walking the dogs armed again and with my cell phone.

Living for Las Vegas

Things have been really stressful lately and I've had a lot of imaginary conversations with myself cos I haven't had time to come here and write so I figured it was about time to get here LOL. I take care of my common-law hubby who's disabled from a stroke 4 yrs ago (he's 51). Also lately my sister who lives downstairs (we're in an up/down duplex) has needed some care as she shattered her wrist in a fall, turns out she has osteoporosis. Now that she's recovered enough to take care of herself my hubby's son has had a terrible eye injury involving a roman candle. So now he's living back home (took me 4 yrs to get him out) for now while we deal with his injury and how to put his life back together. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I'm just really tired.

I've just recently, you probly know from my blog entries, turned 50 and am having some slight, LOL, problems with that so this latest round of stress isn't helping much. But a bright light, in February my oldest sister and I are going to Las Vegas. I told my hubby that I don't care who is ill or going to become ill. I AM GOING TO LAS VEGAS. So that's what keeps me going. But its also occurred to me that once the trip has come what will keep me going after that? There won't always be a big trip coming up to save me from my stress. I need to find some more realistic goals? rewards? incentives? stress relievers? to keep myself going forward and keeping motivated because it doesn't seem like the stress is going to end anytime soon.

I guess I'm just in a blue mood tonite. I've hidden away in my little craft/computer room. The one that used to be my step-son's bedroom and has been lovingly converted into MY room. I'm afraid that due to his injury and being off work someone may suggest that it be converted back. I really don't want to spend my life taking care of 2 disabled men. It's pretty hard at times managing one. So anyone out there in cyberspace with any thoughts or suggestions feel free to weigh in one the subject. I'm for running away and changing my name. But that's just tonite. I'm sure things will look brighter in Las Vegas.

50 Years, 23 Days...but not counting

As I'm now of that age I believe my mind is now going. Along with the slackening the face and body my mind seems to have be permanently fogged. Can the mind sag? Hmmm. I left for grocery shopping this morning, telling my husband I'd be back shortly, without my list, I thought momentarily about going back for it but since it only contained two or three items I decided it would be silly to go back. I only needed milk, dog cookies and fruit. On my way to the grocery store I noticed gas had gone down two more cents so I stopped to put twenty bucks worth in. Next to the gas station was a linen store. I had been thinking recently about either getting a new bed or getting some sort of soft topper. In our bed lately it seemed like I could feel every coil and my sleep just had been deteriorating. I'm sure it all had to do with my mental attitude about turning 50 and that there's probably nothing wrong with our bed, just my imaginary aches and pains but I went into the store anyway. Forty-five minutes later I came out of the linen store with a $200 down and feather bed topper. For my old aching body and for my husbands sake. Yeah. I got back on the road but was distracted again by a veterinarian's office because I remembered that I had forgotten to renew one of the dog's medicines so I pulled into the nearest parking lot and made a call to our vet to get them to renew the prescription and then headed over to pick it up. There was the usual long wait once I got there, so much for calling ahead, and after another half an hour I was back on the road again.

By this time I was way across town from the grocer that I had started out going to so I headed for the nearest mega-mall that I knew had a grocery in it. My cell phone rang at this point and it was my husband asking me where I was. I replied that I was grocery shopping or very near to it and he pointed out that I'd already been gone for nearly two hours. Not to worry I said, I just pop into the store, pick up what I need and be home shortly. Mega-mall, wonderful term, tons of stores, tons of sales, tons of distractions. For some reason I'm not sure of I bought myself a red evening gown. Floor length, one shouldered with silvered beads sewn on. I have nowhere to wear it but it was on sale. I guess I can wear it picking up dog poop in the yard, maybe with the designer jacket my sister talked me into a few months ago which was also on sale. Anyway, it was nearly an hour later that I entered the grocery store. I got a great price on some steaks, a bargain on a case of pop, a giant tub of margarine and a shopping cart full of various and other sundry items. Of course I'm sure you've guessed already I did not get milk, dog cookies or fruit. I did spend four hours away from home and approximately $350, I think. I'm not really sure because I've already lost most of the receipts and I don't have time to look right now cos I have to run out to the nearest convenience store to get milk for tomorrow mornings coffee (ah, maybe I can wear that red evening gown). Oh, and dog cookies and fruit if they have it. Can the mind sag? I dunno but I'm sure tired today from trying to hold it up.

Well 50 Did Happen

and you know what? It was just as awful as I thought it would be. In anticipation of the big event I've lost 70 pounds, because I'm not going to be FAT AND 50, and that in turn has actually lowered my sugar levels to the point that I no longer take medication for my Type 2 Diabetes. So thats actually good. But...with the weight off of my face my cheeks seem to have become covered in tiny wrinkles. As a matter of fact, just before my birthday I was asked in a store if I was eligable for the senior's discount. I was afraid to ask if they thought I was 55 or 65. So now I'm slimmer but with a wrinkled face which also seems to have sagged. Along with everything else. Apparently the only thing ever keeping everything in place was my fat. So I've made an appointment with a dermatologist to try out their "photo rejuvenation" laser thingy. It costs a lot of money but is cheaper than a face lift. I can only afford the face itself and not my neck so if it works well on my face I'll just go with wearing turtlenecks until I can save up enough to get my neck done.

Also, for my birthday which I have been desperately trying to avoid, my father decided to pay me a three day visit. Now I love my father and I'm glad that at 80 he's in good enough health to make the trip across the country from Ontario to British Columbia, but one of the reasons I live in BC is because I love my father and I can't move any farther west without actually leaving the country. We have a great long distance relationship. He has always known how to push all of my buttons and hold them so its better for both of us that there are a few Provinces between us. He seems to forget that most times we tend to disagree and told me that he'd be spending very little time at the hotel, just nights, so that he could spend alllll dayyy long with me. The three days lasted a year it seemed but we did get through it. I really do love him and gave him a big kiss goodbye.

So this is 50 huh. I feel like I look it but I really still feel 49. I know, I know, its only a number but I just don't understand why this happened to me?!!

49 Never turning 50!!!

49 Never turning 50!!!

This was actually my first try at blogging and I guess it turned out to be just a statement and not anything else. So cheer's to me!!

Terry Botha Died Today

Contests. Terry always entered contests on-line. I don't think she entered them just for something to do, she was to ill to work, and I don't think she entered them because she was to ill to do physical things, like going for walks or even climbing stairs. I think she entered contests as an affirmation of life, as a statement of hope and confidence that there would be a future, that there would be time for winning. She included a lot of us on her list of forwards so that we could enter too. She was one of my Roy's closest friends and only in her 40's. Roy always called her Munchkin because she was barely 4' 11".

Terry had been on a waiting list for a lung transplant. She had COPD. She and Gord had to move to Vancouver because you had to live close to the hospital in case you got "the call". They got the call at 1:30 am on July 30th and left for the hospital ten minutes later. They operated soon after and the operation went very well. Normally they take around 8 hours but Terry's was done in four and a half. Her husband Gord called early yesterday morning to tell us the good news, that she was in surgery and another call a few hours later let us know that things had gone well. A few hours after that however things weren't looking that well, fluid was building up in the new lung and at 6:00 am this morning, less than 24 hours after they'd gotten "the call" Terry passed away.

Contests and Terry. They went hand in hand. Most of us hate junk mail and we are no exception, Roy especially hates forwards from friends. But you know, every email we got from Terry, inviting us to join her in entering some unknown contest, never got deleted. We entered every one.

We love you and miss you Terry

I'm a Blog Virgin

Give me a little bit of time to get the hang of this. Lord its hard for my greatly taxed brain to figure out all the little do's and don'ts of this stuff. Lol. Thought it was going to be soooo easy to just sign up to this thing and then write my little heart out immediately. Well first you gotta figure out what the heck you're doing I guess. So lets leave this as my first time, you know, where its not very satisfactory for either of you, (well maybe for him) and by the time I get back here I'm sure I'll have all the bells and whistles figure out. After all, I CanDo!!